Desperate
by Chibirini1
Summary: He's made a mistake. What they had, he lost when he hurt her. But now as the First Order falls into ruins after Kylo Ren kills Snoke, he does nothing but follow her all over Jakku as she seeks to heal the planet she hated. She keeps waiting for him to leave, to make another mistake. His patience is a ruse, she thinks. His devotion is just obsession. What lays under the surface fina
1. Chapter 1

Some nights she made it clear that she wished he was two feet under the sand so she would not hear him breathe. Those nights he stayed away several feet away, watching and patrolling instead of sleeping. She was a hundred percent more likely to leave him behind if he fell asleep.

But some nights she took his hand and wound his arm around her when they laid down. He told her no, he couldn't, but she insisted.

"It's what I want," she said with a frown, daring him to refuse her. Biting his tongue, he held her close as she desired and tried not to remember how it used to feel.

She was strength itself, and now that she had her freedom she used it to ensure other's. Day by day, she wandered the deserts of Jakku, challenging and defeating every junk boss. She fixed the broken ships and dispensed any portions equally that were in the town. She ensured their survival and helped them leave the dusty planet before she moved on. And he followed her silently, like a long, dark shadow.

None of them knew him, he was unrecognizable without his mask. And she did not tell. When he asked, she shrugged.

"You have freed the masses, and it was the best you could do." She told him. "I would not see you killed because of my own pettiness."

He was grateful she did not tell, and that she allowed him to be an extra hand in a fight or in counting the rations. She had not invited him, but she would not waste her resources either.

So, like wanderers of the old, they traced a path through the sands, living from post to post and he from night to night. Once upon a time, he had more than watching her smile at others, more than a stolen night of her in his arms. Once, he had loved her and she had not hated him for it.

She had been captured for the map she held in her head. Never yielding, he lost more than he gained trying to pilfer through her mind. She had almost successfully evaded them in an escape, put he had found her at the last moment.

The Supreme Leader ordered Ren to bring her to him. He examined her and then gave his orders; she was to be his apprentice. It was Ren's job to turn her to the dark side. They would live, sleep, breathe each other so that Ren could cast his influence over her.

They had put the implant in her back, at the base of her spine. It was made from ysalamiri blood and nerves, a natural material that repelled the Force, making it much harder to use so she couldn't escape. They trained in forms and spars, and she somehow grew more lean and hard.

She didn't like him, that was clear. But they shared the same space, and they grew used to each other. They ate together, trained together, and time passed fleetingly. Then there was more. Her smile, her laugh, it meant something. She made him feel—not rage, not pain, but something else entirely. She wanted to know him, understand him. Something no one but Leader Snoke had ever done. And he was hungry for her, to know and touch her. The night that she let him into the bed, lacing their fingers together, was the best he had ever had.

Soon he was holding her at night, the occasional kiss exchanged. She was oh so careful, cautiously silent when he told her he loved her. She cupped his cheek and did not answer. She never did, no matter how many times he said it. But her acceptance was enough for him.

For his master, it was nothing. He was not impressed.

"You have failed, Kylo Ren," he scolded. "Month after month, and yet she still walks the path of light."

"I'm sorry, master," Ren murmured, ashamed. In the deepest, darkest corner of his mind, he did not think it was possible. She was the light.

"We must not waste this opportunity," the Supreme Leader thundered, and Ren nodded.

"The girl is powerful," Snoke admitted. "We must make use of her."

Ren raised his head from his respectful kneel, wondering what his master could mean.

"I want you to breed with her," Snoke said unexpectedly. "Make a child that will rule the Galaxy when you are gone."

Ren's lips parted in shock. "Supreme Leader, I cannot," he insisted.

"You defy me?" Snoke roared.

Ren shook his head. "She is not…ready. She would not allow me."

Snoke's ugly laugh filled the chamber.

"You would give her the choice?" He asked, and Ren's stomach sank.

"Master," he tried again.

"Perhaps we can let her go free after the child is born," Snoke considered. "Did you consider that?"

Oh, how much she would want that. But he couldn't, he wouldn't. "Master!" He interrupted.

"Quiet," Snoke cut him off. "You will do it. Or she will die. I won't have Jedi trash running loose around my ship."

The ice cold shock forced Ren into silence, and he was dismissed. He had seen how easy it was to kill. His master would not have to try. It would be so. This was their fate.

"And don't tell her the plan's outcome," Snoke told his apprentice. "If she knows what lies ahead, she will surely ruin it."

When Ren seemed unsure, Snoke tightened his grip on the younger's mind.

"Do not fail me again," he warned.

"If we do not, you will be eradicated," Ren told her. "We have no other option than to lay together."

She pushed away from him, complete horror washing over her delicate features.

"No!" She cried. "I won't do it!"

Frustration mounted. How long did they have before Snoke intervened?

"You must, darling. We have to, don't fight this."

She gaped at him. "I can't believe you're agreeing to this. I thought—" She straightened. "I thought you cared."

Now he was angry. "I do not care, I love. You. I love you. And I will not let you die because of this."

She gave a funny little chortle, her lowest bun slipping down her neck. "You believe that? You believe that I will die because you don't have sex with me?"

Irritated, he said, "The supreme leader will make it so."

She walked away from him. "Well, I say no."

She stumbled, a gasp of pain escaping her perfect lips. She fell into his arms that had dove to catch her. Staring at the smooth floor, he knew it was no mistake that she had been seized with a sudden pain. He was watching.

"We must," he mumbled, and pressed his lips to hers. They kissed for a moment, but the moment his hand began tearing at her shirt, she balked.

"No, no," she said firmly.

"No!" Ren echoed, tugging her to the bed. "No." Within a moment, her shirt was gone and her beautiful, bare chest was before them both, glowing in the dim light.

"Rey," he murmured, half begging as he pressed his lips all over her throat. His fingers laced through hers, allowing him to press their chests flush against each other's so their hearts could beat together.

She gasped and struggled. "No! Ren, stop."

Desperately he shook his head against her shoulder. "I can't," he whispered. "I won't let you die."

He kissed her there, but she cried out as if she was in pain.

"No, no, no—"

"Please, Rey—"

"No!" She pushed him off successfully, scrambling back until she hit the backboard. She kicked at him and covered herself with the sheet, but in a moment he had it off again.

"I'm sorry," he told her. "I told you I was."

"Then stop!" She screeched, trying in vain to throw him back with the Force.

He shook his head and grabbed it, groaning. "I have to," he whispered. "There isn't much time. We don't have a choice."

Rey sat up on her haunches, eyes flashing. "I have a choice, and it's to tell you no! You have the choice to stop this, but you are choosing not to!"

He swallowed dryly, watching her helplessly. "It doesn't have to be so hard. We had something, I know we did."

Clutching her half-naked body, she whispered, "We won't if you do this."

He was wavering. He wanted to explain it to her, just so she would stop fighting him. He didn't want to do this-not like this. She deserved so much more. But Snoke would kill her. But she had such a hold on him that he paused, and may have even considered changing his mind if she had not cried out.

"Ren!" She screamed, holding her head in her hands. Ren could feel her pain, so sharp and stabbing at her mind as the Supreme Leader twisted it, warning them.

"I am!" Ren gasped frantically, grabbing her and dragging her lips to his. She let out a whimper as the pain ebbed from her mind. When they both broke for air, Ren steeled himself and thrust her bottoms down her legs.

"Nonono!" She began again.

"Hush," Ren growled, becoming more panicked. He had to do it, he had to do it. "Don't you see what will happen? We must do this."

"Why?" She asked as he forced her fingers to intertwine with his. She twisted like a ribbon to try and get away from him, but this time he would not desist.

"I have to," he said simply. We must, for the galaxy."

Her lips parted and she stared at him, shocked. "You're mad," she said.

His brow furrowed and he pressed his lips against her unyielding ones. He tried to remember the soft touch of her hand on his back, the way she curved into him at night. Her lips, smiling into his in the dark. A deep breath filled his mind of her scent, now familiar and comforting. Even now he could become hard, just with her presence. It made him sick to think of this.

She screamed and sobbed, never once giving up. He did his best to soothe her, whispering to her of his dark love and reassurance. It went on too long, for he could barely stand the waves of pain coming from her. She would understand, he told himself. She would see, soon. It was better, he thought, than what it could be.

She would forgive him. She had to.

When it was finally over she would not stay in his arms, even as he begged her, apologizing over and over. She shut herself in the fresher and wouldn't come out. He heard her cries through the door.

With no other option but to break the door down and upset her further, he went to report to the Supreme Leader.

"It has been done," he said numbly. Even his master's rush of approval did not faze him.

"Good, Kylo Ren," Snoke said, leaning forward in his dais with a small smile. "I give you permission to tell her of the mission now."

Ren licked his lips. "And her freedom?" He asked weakly. Snoke laughed.

"You know already that that is not possible, Ren."

When he returned she laid silently in their bed.

"Rey," he said quietly, not willing to hurt her further.

"Why?" She asked emotionlessly. "Why would you do this?"

He knelt on the side of her bed so he could see her face, so he could address her properly.

"Snoke ordered for us to create a child," he told her. "To further the line and ensure the galaxy's stable future."

Her eyes were wide, but otherwise she said nothing. There was nothing but a whir of the fan in the ducts below them. Her freckles stood out on her nose. She had become pale, he realized.

"A child?" She repeated.

He nodded.

She shuddered, closed her eyes for a moment. Then opened them to stare right at him.

"I cannot bear a child," she said slowly. "I had the operation years ago on Jakku. Just in case a man forced himself on me."

Cold, cold realization shot through him. He connected the dots—an unplanned pregnancy was a death sentence on Jakku, where one could hardly keep from starvation. And she, his smart, fierce girl, would have done whatever it cost to survive.

She had had a medical exam upon arrival—Snoke knew. His comment now made sense to Ren, and he was not the only one. She sat up.

"He tricked you," she whispered. "I told you not to."

Horrified, he backed up from the bed before dashing into the fresher. He heaved the contents of his stomach into the bowl, sick with the truth.

He had raped her. He had raped her, hurt her. The foolhardy excuse he had hid behind was nothing but a ruse. Snoke had twisted him in his gnarled hands, and Ren had played right into it. There was to be no child, no freedom. All that had been done was the creation of an unhealable wound between the two. He had broken everything they had.

She was crying quietly into the pillow when he managed to leave the refresher. With shaking hands, he ordered a medical droid.

"Lay on your stomach," he ordered, and she stared up at him with absolute anger.

"I need to remove your implant," he told her, realizing how he had erred again. For a long moment, she stared at him, no trust to be shared. But then the droid arrived, and she finally rolled over.

The small scar was easy to trace. Even with trembling hands, Ren was able to be gentle and remove the white, twisted gelatin worm. He was careful not to touch her with his skin, not to trespass the boundary he had burned to the ground. Soon she was fixed up with copious amounts of bacta, and he stood.

"I'll be back," he said impassively. Something in his expression must have alarmed her, for she lifted her chin to meet his eyes. She looked at him as if she would say something, but did not. He yearned to do something—anything—to be able to reassure, comfort, or help her. But he would not press a kiss to her brow, touch her skin with his fingertips. Never again.

Snoke was waiting.

"So you know what has been done," he boomed sagely. Ren said nothing.

"You are stronger now," Snoke told him. "She was making you weak. Now, now you have a chance to be stronger than your grandfather ever was."

Such words would have stirred Ren before. He had been waiting so long to hear them. But now, they meant nothing. Guilt pressed into his stomach like a foot, and he felt nauseas.

"Do not let your petty little feelings make you weak again, Kylo Ren," Snoke scolded. "You're angry. But you should focus it. You must—"

There was a silent pause as Snoke stopped rifling through his mind.

"So you think to kill me," he said, but without the snide Ren would have expected. Was that—fear?

Ren drew his saber, the blade crackling to life.

"I've killed whatever I had with her," he finally said. "And now, I will kill you."

He yearned for the blood of his master. He wanted to drown in it and be reborn. Would she recognize him then? Would she love him then?

Snoke's eyes were red from their focus on his saber.

"You are weak," he repeated. Ren drew back into a beginning stance.

"I am," he admitted.

He hadn't known what to do, at first. For a month, he had taken his ship to the far realm of the galaxy, damning himself to exile from her. She had been given everything and anything the crumbling First Order had to offer and sent off in her very own ship. He thought she'd return to his mother, where one woman could mourn with the other, but she had set her coordinates for Jakku. And he had gone the other way.

But it tugged at him. No, it consumed him. He owed her everything, more than he had in his hands. He had only himself to offer, and that was something no one, not even himself wanted. He knew only of one thing that could be of use to her—his life.

So he followed her.

"Have you come for me?" She spit when he landed. She did not wait for him to come to her; she was not afraid. She corned him immediately in a dirty tent near Niima, enraged.

"I have, but not to take. Never to take." He told her. She scoffed.

"Leave," she instructed. "I don't want you here."

"I understand," he replied. "But I must try to make this right."

"With what?" She asked incredously.

He stood straight so his shoulders were no longer hunched from her attack.

"I have not much to offer but my life," he said. "I will ensure you will never be hurt again. Until the day comes that I can give my life to ensure yours."

She laughed.

"You're a real piece of work," she told him, and left the tent into the hot wind.

He followed her. "I will not disturb you," he told her. She shook her head and climbed onto her speeder.

"I have to," he said desperately, his hands empty and wanting.

She put her goggles on and stared at him.

"I've heard that before," she said cuttingly, and then raced off.

And so the endless chase began. She ranted at him, ignored him, fought him. But he followed. He spoke naught, interfered not. Only waited and watched as she went from settlement to settlement, following her on a slower, bulkier speeder that had been built and rebuilt several times.

Finally some acceptance had been reached. He was drawn close, than cast out again. Some days she would even smile at him, for something he said or did. But other days she screamed into the wind, wrapping her arms around herself as if trying to keep together. He felt her distress, saw the dreams. The Force rippled with her pain some days. And so they circled each other again and again, meeting now and then. Until the day she threw the pattern away, asked him the impossible.

That was the worst day of them all.

 **A/N Yes, so here's the little ficlet I told y'all I'd be posting. Keep an eye out for the final part in the next few days, and hold onto your panties. I can't write a damn thing without smut. If you're new here, check out my ongoing fic, Suffocating in Stardust. Thanks! Sorry for the rape :(**


	2. Chapter 2

It started with a fight.

He had butted in again to a dispute between her and an uncouth junk master, for he had been _sure_ that she did not see his left arm swinging towards her. The moment he had blocked it, however, she slammed into him, clearly having anticipated the move.

Upon seeing what he had done, she slammed into him again to push him away.

"Go away," she hissed. Ren slunk back and gazed at the duo darkly. He wanted the slimy Abednedo's blood on his hands for threatening Rey, but she was protective of her fights. And she was good at them. Only a few minutes later, the fight was over and the junk master was unconscious at her feet.

Rey swiped the key from the creature's person that unlocked the bin of rations. She brushed past Ren without word, but he could feel her anger. In fact, she only got a few steps before whirling around on him.

"How dare you, you stupid, arrogant idiot! Why do you insist on butting in on everything like I can't handle myself!"

Ren drew himself up to his full height. "I was trying to lend a hand!" He argued.

She laughed in his face. "You thought I'd miss his shot."

The tips of his ears burned. "I won't let you get hurt."

A flush had risen to her cheeks. "I don't need your help. I've survived on my own for almost fifteen years!"

"I've seen your body, you're riddled with scars," he bit back.

She reared back, something in her eyes that hurt him. "I don't want you here. I don't want you here!" She screamed.

"I only want to keep you safe!" He roared.

She swung her head back towards him, and he was shocked to see that her eyes were full of tears. "You haven't changed a bit! You never care about what I want, never listen to me! I never asked for this, any of this!"

Her words struck him silent and he swallowed. The rough cloth of his desert attire did nothing to warm the chill that ran down his spine.

"I didn't—" he began.

"No," she interrupted. "You didn't."

They gazed at each other for a long time, both broken pieces. Finally, Ren spoke.

"I want…what you want," he tried. "Do you want me to…go away?"

Displeasure flickered across her features. After a long moment, she answered, "No."

He sighed relief, and she pointed her staff at him until it poked him in the chest. "Don't you dare do it again. I handle my own fights."

He nodded slowly and she began to walk back towards the village. "Come on," she sighed.

That night they sat in silence. He tried not to watch her as she ate—she didn't like him watching her. But she was beautiful in the firelight as she licked the oil off her fingers from their roasted game. Her lips shone in the soft light, almost as much as her hazel eyes did.

"Come here," she said.

He stared at her, chest tightening. But he was hers, and he came closer and sat down a few feet from her.

Her eyes rolled. "Closer."

"Rey—"

"Don't," she said. "Listen to what I want."

Hands tied in the matter, he sat next to her as she requested. She turned to be able to look him in the eyes.

"Will you continue doing all this if I die?" She asked.

Startled, he drew back. "Don't say things like that."

"Will you?"

He paused. "Yes." He would avenge her, and then carry on her desire. But he would not think any further of the terrible matter.

She seemed appeased. "What happened to power?" She asked. "What happened to strength and ruling the galaxy?"

 _You happened._ He brushed that away. "My priorities changed," he said shortly and she fell quiet.

"Today, if I had told you to leave again, would you have?"

"…Yes."

"Why?"

He drew his knees up and laid his arms across them. As he stared into the fire, he said, "I must atone for my actions. I would like to just keep you from being harmed or hurt. But if it makes you unhappy…"

She waited, but he could not continue.

"What does my happiness matter if you seek self-retribution?"

He gave her a sharp look. "Why would you assume they do not go hand in hand?"

Her face set hard, she answered: "Because they don't. If you are looking for forgiveness, you can go. I have already forgiven you."

Stricken, he asked, "Is this your way of telling me to leave after all?"

She frowned and curled up her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them.

"No, but if that's all you're here for then go."

He was confused, she spoke in riddles sometimes. He swallowed hard as he began to understand, or at least think he understood.

"I…am not only here for that," he admitted softly. "You know I care for you."

Her eyes caught his. "Then why do you protest when I want you close?"

He did not want to discuss this. "Because I will never…I wronged you in that way, and I would never…I…"

"I see," she said.

Suddenly Rey sat up and faced him fully. She placed a hand on his arm.

"What if it's what I want?"

His eyes narrowed. "Rey."

"I'm serious."

He shook his head and moved his arm away, but she grabbed his hand.

" _Listen_ to me."

He met her eyes.

"I see a thoughtful, sad man who has followed me all around the desert just to make up for something that wasn't entirely your fault. You cared for me before, and you care for me now. I have healed from what has happen. I have forgiven. It is you who has not."

"I could never forgive myself," Ren snapped, but she was not deterred.

"Why? Why was it so unforgivable?"

He scoffed. "It is an unforgivable action," he said sternly. "My mother…I was raised right in that matter. I knew what I was doing and that it was…awful. But I still did. And it is even more terrible to do it to someone you love."

For a moment, he didn't realize what he said. But when he did, he swung his head, wide-eyed to find her gazing at him with a little smile.

"I'm sorry," he apologized. She shook her head.

"Let me have my say," she asked quietly. "Kiss me."

She leaned in, hands on his knees but he stopped her.

"I won't hurt you again," he told her.

"Then don't," she replied.

Their lips met softly, and at first he didn't move. But then he gave in, a hand coming up to cradle her cheek and lips moving with hers. His knees fell away and she came even closer into his lap, like she belonged there.

His free arm encircled her waist as his other cupped her head. She moved her lips to kiss down his neck and he shuddered.

"Rey," he said warningly.

"It's alright," she replied.

The flames in front of them were nothing compared to those inside. She stripped him of his shirt and kissed his shoulder softly before laying her head down there.

For a long moment, he just held her close. It was heaven, feeling whole and loved and wanted. An ache soothed, the one that whispered that he was unlovable and a monster. She burrowed into his warmth, no scrap of loneliness left within her. He moved his lips to her head and murmured, "I love you."

"I know," she replied, and they kissed again, deeply, slowly. He poured all of his sorrow and desperation into their kiss, praying she'd understand, praying she'd accept him. Her eyes shining gold in the firelight, she whispered for him to touch her.

He crept beneath her shirt to map her back with his hands. There were the furrows of her ribs, the valley of her spine. And at the base, a small knot of skin from where he had cut her open to remove the implant that had subdued her power.

When he drew back some, wary and regretful, she kissed him.

"Make me think of us differently," she asked. "I want a better memory to remember."

Rey took off her shirt and went for her breast band as well. Ren did nothing but silently gaze at her, trying to remember if she was so beautiful, so breathtaking before.

She laid down on her own pallet and drew him over her. They kissed and kissed and kissed until both panted for air and all that lay between them was their underwear. When she touched the band, he shuddered.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded and bit her lip. He became bare before her, his erection long and thick between them. Her lips parted and she met his gaze, which scanned hers worriedly.

Her hand ran down and touched him, just barely. Still, his eyes closed as his heart thudded. He couldn't believe this was happening. It was more than he'd ever dreamed, even before. This was…perfect. Slow and gentle, the way he wanted her to experience it.

As her hand curled around him, he couldn't help but grown with pleasure. It had been so long since he had even allowed his own hand to linger there. And her small, callused palm was much, much better. She wanted to touch him, he kept thinking. She wanted _him._

When he was throbbing and aching, he remembered himself and removed her hand. To her questioning look, he simply kissed her, longing causing him to loiter there.

Down her body, scars and all, he kissed her slowly. She hummed a little at each spot and her hand stroked his dark, wild hair. When he came to her underwear, they exchanged a look before he drew them down.

Her soft, sweet apex was beautiful. Small curled dark hairs led to a slick center which waited for him. He pressed his lips to the top first, then down. A gasp was heard when he slipped his tongue just between the two folds, and only a little. Her legs fell wide and she opened to him like a golden desert flower.

He pleasured her well there, swiping his tongue on her most sensitive places and using his lips to brush against her. From her lips an incredible moan came, and a spike of want rushed through him. Faster he went until he felt her fingers tightened on his hair and she seized with pleasure.

"Oh, Ren," she gasped, and he drew up to her. She kissed him, not caring that her essence was still on his lips. He nuzzled her cheek with his nose and she sighed.

"Now," She murmured, and he drew back.

"Now?"

She nodded. "I need you, now."

He was lined up and ready when his head dropped to her shoulder and slowly shook back and forth.

"No," he mumbled into her skin. "I can feel you trembling."

She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face into the crook of his neck. "I can't help it," she whispered. "I want you but I can't help being a little afraid."

He pulled back to look her in the eyes, his dark hair covering his own. "Do you want me to stop? We can stop, right here, right now."

She took a deep breath and shook her head. "I want you. I just…I needed that."

She shifted her hips a little forward, beckoning. Staring deeply into her, he pushed carefully forward.

It had hurt the first time, and there had been blood. But now, although it was a little strange and uncomfortable at first, something inside her eased as he stretched her. He was so big and hard, she wanted to cross her legs and keep him there, right there forever. Something fell off both their shoulders as they got lost in being truly whole. Rey thought she had never felt so peace, so full of him and his love for her that she might burst with it.

He moved slowly and carefully, watching her as gentle waves of pleasure flitted across both their faces. She kissed him to keep him from looking, holding him there for a long time as he kept the same pace. Finally, she drew back.

"More, Ren," she encouraged. He pushed a little harder, a little faster, but her heels dug into his back, urging him on.

His thrusts grew less composed when she began to meet him stroke for stroke with a tilt of her hips. He groaned and she answered him, muffling their mouths with a kiss.

"Gods…Rey…" he growled, and she pressed his head close.

"Not, yet, oh not yet!"

Faster and deeper he pushed, and she writhed in his arms.

"Oh there, oh _there_ , Ren!"

Again and again he rubbed her there, and as she began to tighten he hissed.

"Rey…I can't…!"

Exquisite pleasure washed over her and she arched her back up with a loud cry. "Oh Ren!"

Both clung to each other for so long that the sweat on their bodies began to cool. Ren kissed her cheeks gently and removed himself before grabbing her a cloth to clean herself with.

She tugged him to her and she laid her head on his firm, warm chest with a sigh and began tracing the scars there. The desert was silent around them, only the sands shifting in the east could be heard.

"I love you."

He turned his head down to look at hers, her hair messy around her shoulders where it had fallen out. He ran a hand down her long back.

"You love me?"

She nodded quietly and snuggled closer.

"Promise me you won't leave," she asked, and he was surprised that she laid herself open, so vulnerable to him. With so much trust.

"Never," he vowed.

"You still have to stay out of my fights," she told him, and he smiled.

"I know."

 **A/N**

 **Thanks for reading! Let me know if you enjoyed this ficlet or if you'd rather have me work exclusively on my other fic. Y'all are the bomb.**


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